5 Phases of Unemployment

Phase 1: Everyday is the weekend [YAY]

phase 1

WOO HOO everyday feels like Saturday. You want to stay up late on a Wednesday night, drink a bottle of wine, and have a movie marathon? Go.for.it. because you have nothing to do tomorrow! Now is the time you can catch up on books, shows, and all those DIY projects you’ve been dying to try! Could life get any better than this?

Phase 2: Unparalleled boredom

phase 2

You have successfully watched every episode of Mad Men on Netflix, and you quickly realized you have no income so you can’t actually afford to buy $100 worth of DIY supplies. Your days are long and filled with hours of nothingness.

Phase 3: Deep understanding of life as a dog

phase 3

You have reached the point where you literally count down the hours until your roommates are home because you have spent so much time alone. Desperate for human interaction, you find yourself longingly staring at the door as the clock reaches 5:30pm. So this is how all the pooches feel….

Phase 4: Feeling like the pinnacle of uselessness 

phase 4

What is the meaning of life?! I have no purpose, I’m not contributing to society, what am I doingggggggg with all my time? these existential questions will haunt your hours of alone time.

Phase 5: The light at the end of the tunnel

Phase 5

The day has come! You just got that call. That wonderful, glorious call informing you that “YOU GOT THE JOB!” Mega congrats onto you. Now you just have to entertain yourself until your start date…

Best of luck to my fellow unemployed homies, may the odds be ever in your favor.

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Stages of a Job Interview

Pre-Interview

Stage 1: Disbelief

disbelief

Holy sh*t someone actually called me back for a job interview. Pinch me, pinch me! I must be dreaming.

Stage 2: Ridiculously Excited

excited

YAYAYAYAY I’m going in, I’m gunna own this, I AM A BEAUTIFUL ANIMAL.

Stage 3: Panic Panic Panic

panic

Oh my god, I have to talk to people about the things I’ve done and experienced?! But what if they don’t like me?! What if I trip on my way to the interview room?! What if I accidentally swear?!

During the Interview

Stage 4: Rockstar Extrovert

rockstar

Wowwww talking about myself is actually super easy. I’m so awesome. Listen to all my cool stories and gaze in amazement at my glory!

Stage 5: Exhaustion

tired

1 hour down, 1 hour to go. This is so exhausting. I don’t know if I can keep up my rockstar extrovert personality for much longer.

Stage 6: Relief

relief

I’ve done it! Go me! Also, the interviewers were so nice & personable. I can do anything! The world is my f*cking oyster.

Post Interview

Stage 7: Desperation Station

love me

HIREEEEEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEE!!!! I LOVEEEEEEEE YOU!!!!

Best of luck to my fellow interviewees.